This Time In My Words

Some Seasons don’t whisper, “Hey, things might get a bit tricky.” They scream, “Buckle up, legend…we’re about to test all your coping mechanisms at once.”

I’m currently mid-spin in one of those life-sized crapnados.

I’ve got a heart surgery looming. A literal surgery on my heart, which sounds very dramatic (not that its the organ keeping me alive or anything), even though I’m still walking around pretending I’m fine and accidentally dismissing all of my Apple Watch alerts. My toddler is heading towards a tonsil surgery soon, and even though I know it’s common, it still turns my stomach. There’s something about watching your child be brave that breaks and builds you at the same time.

Oh, and just to keep things light, I’ve also been diagnosed with cervical cancer (LIKE if WTF is not enough for that one). It’s been caught early, But let’s be real: the word cancer hits differently. It knocks the wind out of you. It rearranges your priorities. It makes the small things feel smaller and the big things feel enormous.

And somewhere between all of that, the dishes still pile up, the three jobs rotate the same hours and days, the bills keep arriving, the car insurance still screaming “PICK ME”, my toddler keeps yelling “Muuuum! My bum’s itchy!”, and well life… it just keeps going.

At first, I sat in the “Why me?” mindset for a bit. It’s easy to do.

Why now?

Why all at once?

Why does the universe feel like it’s throwing wet spaghetti at the wall of my life just to see what sticks?

But here’s the thing: “Why me?” has never helped. Not once. It doesn’t change anything.

It just traps you in a loop where the crap keeps spinning and you’re stuck in the middle, arms flailing, hoping a sign will fall from the sky explaining what the hell is going on.

And spoiler: no sign comes. (Unless you count a parking fine or a bird pooing on your windscreen — in which case, message received, Universe. Loud and clear.)

So now I’ve started asking, “What now?”

What’s the next right thing?

Do I need to make a call?

Sit down and cry?

Put on clean socks and emotionally reset with a whole bar of chocolate?

Sometimes that’s all you can do, get through the next five minutes.

Some days I’m a functioning human woman ticking things off the list like I’ve got it together. Other days I’m brushing my teeth at 2pm, wondering how I managed to get 5 servings of Weet-Bix in my hair, 6 chicken nuggets falling out of my work backpack and choosing survival over productivity.

And honestly? Both versions of me are doing a great job.

And no, I don’t believe in star signs. But if I did, I’d say my moon is emotionally unstable, my rising sign is “winging it,” and my sun sign is hiding under a blanket whispering “no thanks.” Because sometimes, the only thing between you and a full-blown breakdown is a badly timed laugh at how absurd it all is.

If you’re in the middle of your own crapnado, whether it’s health stuff, heartbreak, toddlers, mental load, or just the quiet heaviness of being a human in this world. I see you. No matter the storm. You are feeling a shift in the weather and that is OKAY! 

• You don’t have to be strong all the time.
• You don’t have to glow through the storm.

You just have to keep going, even if you’re crawling, swearing, or emotionally eating frozen pizza straight out of the air fryer in your stained oodie.

The crapnado doesn’t last forever.

To the ones surviving on sheer willpower, good playlists, and the occasional nervous breakdown in a supermarket aisle. I’m with you. You’re doing great. Keep going. Even if you’ve forgotten what day it is and you’re wearing “Fuck Monday” socks to start your week. 

Because even in the middle of the mess, you’re still showing up, and that’s more powerful than perfection will ever be. Trust me, take it from someone who has accepted anything other than perfection.

—Liv 🤍